Being Single

So I was typing this into the title and the same words came up. Have I really used this same title? Not so surprising I guess. I do seem to have the same topics no matter what I start to talk about.

In that theme I felt like talking about perspective and dating again. It came up today that I kind of wish I played video games, watched TV, and did all those other lazy, normal US activities. Seriously, I WANT to have a lifestyle of sitting around doing those normal married things. But until I fall in love and have such a life I'm going to have a social life. I'm going out almost every night of the week with many friends partying, drinking, and becoming the kind of person that can be very social and appeal to others.


As a single guy I work out. I wash my car. I seek a better job. I clean my apartment/house. I constantly improve myself. In many ways. I may continue to do these things when I'm hitched, but I don't know. I am creating the habits, but for now I'm pretty sure that being single is a large part of me putting exercise, cleaning, income, and being social above solo activities like video games and movies.



So I fear being married. I do wonder what life's like without the constant parties and having so many friends. I don't think I'd know of a half dozen Halloween parties if I weren't single. Still, I could find ways to fill my time. There is so much art in the world I'd like to soak up. I could write more too. Lately I've been loving The Arcade Fire. Anyone that wishes to explain the lyrics to their songs "My Body is a Cage" and "Neon Bible" is my hero.

The Short Story

Lately, short stories have grabbed at my brain strings. The genre doesn't have the time and space to lay out a world for the reader. Instead it is forced to pick one character with one particular feeling and convey that as powerfully as possible. This leaves the short story most often focusing on loneliness. There is a common theme of looking at society from the outside.


In many ways I identify with these feelings, though for the most part I think I have few similarities with any of the characters described in these stories. I would dislike these characters. It can be seen from my blog that I have spent the last year begging the world to tell me what's wrong with me. I am not currently going vegan, I already lost the weight and got into shape as much as I wanted, I found financial stability and started a retirement account... so I shifted my focus to more interpersonal issues. I like to solve problems and having fulfilled every other possible New Year's resolution-ish goal, I decided to find out how I can be one of those people that seem to be loved by everyone.


It is a lofty goal. It is one I was not able to solve on my own. So I began asking people. Everyone. I framed it in the sense that there's something wrong with me. Because perfection is a lack of flaws. Yes, I have a critical outlook on life. Reading these stories gives me some perspective though. I'd lost a lot of perspective in the last year when I telescoped in on this one issue while ignoring everything else. It's something I could afford to do because, like I said, I'd already accomplished all my other goals and wanted to solve this issue. The rest of my life didn't have problems to work on.


Sometimes I really like being reminded of the big picture though. It's too easy to adjust my emotions and expectations to those I feel will most motivate me to become the kind of person that is loved by all. Of course I don't literally mean "all," but I haven't gotten really close to anyone in a while. I don't just mean that romantically. These short stories I'm reading remind me that some people have issues beyond "the tons of friends I have didn't invite me to this one party" blah blah blah. Other people have health issues, or can't pay rent, or have crotch monsters growing in them.


So while I still wish to know how I can become the kind of person others want to be close to, I shall be more patient and keep persepective better. So far most people have said my whining is the biggest problem, but that wasn't there before the problem. A few people have told me that my blunt, opinionated thing turns a lot of people off. They're probably onto something. And while some people have warned me about coming on too strong, I still feel that I am more detached and don't act as the emotional aggressor often enough. I had a few first dates this last week and I'm probably not calling as often as I should or being as complementary as most people. Not stressing about dates or calling them back fast enough is just another sign that I have a busy life full of great things that I should appreciate more. Health, wealth, and very creative and social friends. Love will come eventually.

Tagged?

So I was tagged. Blogging is just another attempt to be social to me, so I will not turn this down. http://dontcallmekathleen.blogspot.com/ tagged me, so I'll try to respond.

Here be the rules, yo!

1. Link to your tagger and list these rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blog.
4. Let them know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

I'll attempt to follow the rules. But I'm about to go to sleep and I don't have any weird things about myself or anyone to tag. Hmm, 7 things...

1) Seriously, I'm trying to come up with one weird or obsessive thing I do. Maybe I obsessively avoid being obsessive. I have nothing. I am not quirky. If it doesn't make sense I don't do it. I am meticulously rational, so I'll just name some less common things that I do. I know that the topic is more weird things and random, but I wanted to follow in the thread of what Katie posted. Her 7 were quite interesting and I liked them.

2) I mentally prepare for things before I do them. My mind likes to stay one step ahead of what I'm doing so that I am extremely efficient. For instance, I'm taking my seatbelt off before my car stops and I've got everything in my hand before I've even gotten the car off and opened the door. I can probably do a getaway or escape from a car as fast as anyone.

3) I can't do this. It's just not what I want to write right now, so this'll really just be a link to Katie's blog.

Schedule

What's your typical week like? What should it be like? What do you most want to change?


I tend to spend Sundays watching football and drinking beer. Monday I get up at 7am, shower and go to work. Get home at 5pm, check my online social networks, and go out drinking with friends or play dodgeball (I'm between seasons right now). Tuesday I repeat the same routine, only it's trivia night at the bar after work. Wednesday I might stay home to clean and watch TV/internet with the roommates, but often we end up going for drinks at Barfly's. Thursday is volleyball night. Friday there's always a party of some kind. The usual crowd picks one of our houses because it's someone's birthday, national talk like a pirate day, moving-in or some other excuse. Saturday I get to sleep late (I work M-F 8-5) and then wake up to work out, watch UT play football, then head to some larger party. Sunday I do laundry and watch the NFL (yes, I even play fantasy football). I also brew my own beer now on the weekends. I find time to read between events once in a while.


There are many new things I want to do, but I also wish I had a lot more free time. On my to do list are volunteering for some organization, wine tastings, some form of vacation or day trip, and finding some kind of time to meet new people and date. But the dating thing is not so much a matter of time as needing interest from someone else.

It feels like a good balance to me, but I'm not completely happy. My personal connections with friends aren't as close as I want. I wonder how I can change my schedule to fix that...

Blogging

This is my only "public" blog. I have a myspace one, but it's pretty much friends only for my posts. Even there I came across the idea that sharing my thoughts can harm me. I kind of figure nobody I know in person reads this.


It's an odd concept for me. I believe we should all be completely open and honest. Exceptions would things like national security and self-defense. But you should always let people know how you feel and what you're doing. It helps create real bonds with people instead of the lies and deceit that cause so many problems in life.


But people don't have much context. And they make a lot of assumptions. I use this blog as a place to work out my thoughts and emotions. I don't think those that know me in person would call me emotional. I could be wrong, but I know that I don't feel emotional often whether I act so or not. I've spent many years trying to be more expressive, but I am still basically calm all the time.


I am also quite happy and secure. But that's not helpful to write about. I focus on how to create caring relationships. Friendship and dating. It's a high priority for me and I am not meeting my expectations. I don't think that's to say I am doing badly.


This defensive post doesn't make me seem less emotional, hah. I wonder if I sabotage my own goals. The people I see "living happily ever after" seem so boring. The ones that settle down and quit going to parties or having as many friends seem unable to experience the full range of life.

I don't know the purpose of all this. I prefer to talk to myself "outloud" (aka the internet) in order to get feedback. The perspectives and creativity of others help me in my decisions. Except that only like 2 people read this.


I should focus on not mis-characterizing things. I probably have an average amount of dates and opportunities in that field. I shouldn't need to exaggerate how badly I'm doing to motivate myself to do better. A new job may help me get past a lot of these issues. It hurts not having any friends at work.

Exclusion

The issue that I'm trying to solve by learning not to seem opinionated is the feeling of exclusion I get so often. I am not able to get close to people or make friends easily. I seem to have a lot of acquaintances, but they're not the kind of people who tell me if they're dating anyone or invite me to parties they're not hosting themselves.


Tonight was a good example. I have no friends at work. I have people I talk to there that I have no connection to outside of work. One coworker asked what was going on this weekend, another mentioned a wine tasting and invited us to go with, then said she'd call to let me know where it is when she's leaving, but never called. Then friends post online that they're bored and looking for plans, but they don't want to hang out and seek a plan together when I offer that. In fact, when they find out about a party they are now "busy" and can't hang out rather than inviting me.


I want to be the kind of person that people like instead of the kind that they avoid. I hope I can learn to do this.

Change I Need to Believe In

I grew up with a personality that you might say had a stick in its butt. Even just a few years ago I remember someone looking at me on new year's and saying I was most likely to not get drunk that night.

I have fought this uptight personality I believed I obtained from my family. I have tried to be more laid back and fun. I thought if I could change I'd make more friends and be closer to people. Well, those goals haven't been accomplished. I mean, I'm probably a lot more social than I used to be, but I am not meeting my goal of getting close to people. I'd like to have close friends and be better liked.


One of the reasons I have not sought to become a politician is that I am not well liked enough. Not only did I have the uptight thing against me, but I was very robotic and unemotional growing up. I rub people wrong and I know that I couldn't make a career of being liked when I can't even do that well in my own group of friends.


Fast forward to today. I seem to have missed whatever happy medium there should have been and gone straight to the irresponsible opposite extreme. Reflecting on the comments I get from people now suggests that I'm more of a dramatic alcoholic than an uptight robot. This is not good news.

First of all, it's hard to accept. I have a hard time believing it after thinking of myself as the opposite my whole life. Also, I suspect there's more to it all. I think someone I'm still uptight, yet I'm now also irresponsible, drink too much, and don't respect people's boundaries enough. I annoy people. Apparently these weren't opposite qualities where I couldn't be both.


I need to test this out. It's hard to get a straight answer from people about your negative qualities because people always think the truth is insulting and not tell you, but I'll do what I can to verify this and then work to change. Maybe I really do try too hard and I will be able to connect with other people better if I am less emotionally open and less loose. I should drink less and respect other people's boundaries more I guess. These ideas are not sitting well with me right now. They don't feel true. Ideas? Suggestions?

October

I feel pretty sedate today. I'm pretty happy with my situation I think. I didn't even go out tonight. I would have liked to, but felt like seeing what staying in is like. It's not so impressive.


I didn't get much done staying in, but it's nice not to feel lonely doing so. Still, I want some change soon. A date or a new job. Something. But I feel no great urgency. I have a lot of friends and things going on that I enjoy a lot.


So, not much to say. Just felt like blogging. Bored I guess. Hmm.

Lyrics

I really identify with the guy this song is directed at. These thoughts have been directed at me more than once...

Rilo Kiley, Plane Crash in C


if you're scared and it shows cause you're watching them grow
and traveling blows when you're out of road
and when you jump up the earth wants you back

your resentment grows till you're all alone
but you're so smart how could they not know
when you're standing there in good humored white

and how do you do it?
you make it seem effortless
when its all the stupid things
so overwhelming to me
like paying my bills
or showing up for work early
or laughing at your jokes

when you first said that anything goes
or a problem is a task disguised in work clothes
that's when i knew i had to move
and why do you do it?
you make it seem delicate
when its all the stupid things
so damn confusing to me
like talking it through
controlling my temper
like letting it go
or saying please forgive me
for laughing at your jokes

i have no idea what's going on lately
and i just wish you would come over and explain things

and i have no idea what's going on lately
and i just wish you would come over and explain things

i have no idea what's been going on lately
and i just wish you would come over and explain things

i have no idea what's going on lately
and i just wish you would come over and explain things

why do they do it?
show up anyway
when they know that damn well
there is no room for promotions out here
and maybe it's wise
and maybe i'm just stupid
for laughing at your jokes

Beer Makin'

I bought a home brew kit! Excited. I shall buy a few more parts and begin making my own beer soon. Cheaper and higher quality beer. Sweet.



Wedding and toga party this Sat. Excited. I am ready to get my flirt on. I love weddings.