Change I Need to Believe In

I grew up with a personality that you might say had a stick in its butt. Even just a few years ago I remember someone looking at me on new year's and saying I was most likely to not get drunk that night.

I have fought this uptight personality I believed I obtained from my family. I have tried to be more laid back and fun. I thought if I could change I'd make more friends and be closer to people. Well, those goals haven't been accomplished. I mean, I'm probably a lot more social than I used to be, but I am not meeting my goal of getting close to people. I'd like to have close friends and be better liked.


One of the reasons I have not sought to become a politician is that I am not well liked enough. Not only did I have the uptight thing against me, but I was very robotic and unemotional growing up. I rub people wrong and I know that I couldn't make a career of being liked when I can't even do that well in my own group of friends.


Fast forward to today. I seem to have missed whatever happy medium there should have been and gone straight to the irresponsible opposite extreme. Reflecting on the comments I get from people now suggests that I'm more of a dramatic alcoholic than an uptight robot. This is not good news.

First of all, it's hard to accept. I have a hard time believing it after thinking of myself as the opposite my whole life. Also, I suspect there's more to it all. I think someone I'm still uptight, yet I'm now also irresponsible, drink too much, and don't respect people's boundaries enough. I annoy people. Apparently these weren't opposite qualities where I couldn't be both.


I need to test this out. It's hard to get a straight answer from people about your negative qualities because people always think the truth is insulting and not tell you, but I'll do what I can to verify this and then work to change. Maybe I really do try too hard and I will be able to connect with other people better if I am less emotionally open and less loose. I should drink less and respect other people's boundaries more I guess. These ideas are not sitting well with me right now. They don't feel true. Ideas? Suggestions?