Adjusting Expectations

I had a great 2008. I hung out with a lot of fun people and went to a ton of parties. Unfortunately I wasn't able to become friends with those people so other than the large parties, I don't know what's going on in their lives and we don't associate.

So now I feel gaps forming. I spent Saturday night at home reading. Not something I wanted to do, but everyone I know was busy with something they didn't invite me to. That's happening more and more often. I am very open and inviting. When I do things I invite almost everyone I know. It's a bit of effort, but it kept me social. It was how I got to spend time with people... because they don't invite me to their activities.

I'm giving up on that. I can think of 3 people that try to spend time with me. I have to change my expectations. It's hard to let go of thinking that I should be out being social when I know so clearly that the people I used to hang out with are having a game night, camping, a burger tasting, going downtown, celebrating a birthday, or whatever else I'm not invited to.

So I'm having a hard time lately. Being rejected as a friend by everyone I meet is harder than being rejected romantically. Work is harder than being at home because I'm surrounded by coworkers that don't like me and I can't escape. They don't do anything mean to me, they just avoid me.

I wish I knew what is so unattractive about me. I've been trying to figure that out for a long time, so in a couple years I imagine I'll just give up and spend my days alone reading and watching TV.