Class warfare?

No time for a blog, but so much on my mind. In some way I'm screwing it all up. I come off wrong.

I should pay more attention to the things I think don't matter.

Family

Family is scary. They're conservatives. I mean that in both the personality sense and the political one. My brother and his wife are highly religious (though I think he had to sneak away from her to go to Mass because she's not Catholic and doesn't like him doing that), and my parents are just old (school). I can't have a global warming debate because they don't even think the world is warming (though they haven't so far shown me any evidence).


What scares me more than that is the cynicism of my brother. To think that everyone is unprincipled and that the world runs on lies and scams is sad. It's easier to doubt global warming when you think those pushing any agenda are just pushing to get money and fame I guess. Though it's not proper reasoning on the topic at hand.

I can't imagine thinking about women and money all the time while having such a cynical view of the world. It seems sad. Also, I wouldn't still be thinking about women all the time if I were married. Maybe Tiger is the norm. Maybe everyone is like my brother in that they don't believe in or have any real morals. They have things they think are right (like not cheating), but they only vaguely believe it in a way that wouldn't stop them if opportunity came.


Like all people I project too much of my own beliefs onto others. I tend to think other people have right and wrong in their life that guides their desires. So when I'm in a relationship I lose all desire to pursue other women because it doesn't exist as a possible alternative to me. I don't see it as something available that I shouldn't do. I see it as something unavailable.

I hope I never lose this belief that the rest of the world is mostly like me and become a cynic.

Only the sad and way too long things...

It's been a while since I blogged. I was finding a pattern of using the blog only for negative and sad things so it naturally went away when I was in a relationship or busy. Over time I heard complaints from people who said I was emo, gay, or just sad based on old posts and sharing of my feelings elsewhere.


I don't think those things are accurate. I never did. I think people just have a hard time being open and honest. They make so many assumptions about people. I've been on a diet lately and a coworker said that was ridiculous. It's a weird, judgmental thing to say. I think she assumed I felt bad about how I look or was sad about my weight. Neither of those is true, I just put on 10 pounds and prefer to be back to my previous size. I was about to have to buy new pants.

So I took the advice of others and quit talking about sad things. I started bottling up those feelings and life really was better. I don't think anyone would think I ever had sad thoughts after I started doing that. In fact, I'm not sure I have had such thoughts in the last 6 or 7 months. Bottling up might not be the right phrase.


But I have a hard time not screaming every thought/feeling that comes my way. And I'm definitely lonely right now. I was in a relationship for most of the year, but not ever having sex for most of a year seems like a serious problem so I ended it. She had issues with sex from the start so it seemed unlikely that some physical change was temporarily killing all sex drive for 7 months.

So I'm single again and I found out last week that rejection is harder to face than the ending of a relationship. Starting to fall for someone who decides they're not into me was tougher than ending the most-of-a-year relationship. Weird. And the feelings of loneliness are back.

I will share them here just to get them out, but I will attempt not to talk about it with friends or bring it up to anyone. That seemed to annoy people before. It can be tough because it's on my mind a lot.

I wonder why I get this way. I have a very full life. It's going great. I've accomplished so many things that I want to do. Basically everything except for fall in love with someone worthwhile. I don't think I have high standards, I just face a lot of rejection and lack of interest. I'm not sure why. I'm slightly attractive and have a lot going for me. Tons of friends, a decent job, I'm somewhat smart. I'm extremely tolerant, honest, and loyal.


I turn 30 soon, but that's not why these feelings are here. I recognize these feelings from being single before. There's no reason to feel this loneliness, but here it is again. I'm really not used to strong emotions. Last week, during/before the rejection I was feeling shy and nervous. Two more things I'm unused to. It was interesting. I wish I could use that word for lonely.

It's such an insignificant thing... being in a relationship. If I were I'd be okay watching Hulu or playing video games now. But I know that I could be out there dating or with someone who cared about me and I'm not. That makes me restless and unable to be okay doing those sedentary things.


Is it an issue if you have the feelings, but not the bad choices? I definitely think it's not. I have these feelings, but I still make all the right choices. I don't act desperate or cling to people when I have the chance. Likewise I don't stay in bad relationships. Yet for some reason I just have to hide the feelings. A weird thought.

UT is going to the national championship in football and the Cowboys are not going to the playoffs. I mean, the Cowboys might, but I'll go ahead and call it. I went to the game yesterday and saw them lose to SD on the world's largest TV. I move for New Year's. Bigger, cleaner house. Should be fun. I bought an S2000 this year. That's pretty cool. I wonder what I can do to learn to date in my 30s.

Questions

So I have had a great year in Austin. So many parties and friends. I'm having my birthday party at the end of this month and it's great to be able to have so many people come celebrate with me. I'm excited about going to Vegas next month too.


Despite what a great year it's been I seem to blog a great deal about loneliness. My relationships have always been intense. I don't think most people have such relationships. It's not a better and worse thing, it's just different. I started dating someone recently and it has the same feel of my past relationships. The things that turned into relationships for me have always had this almost clingy feel. Okay, my last relationship was clingy and that's a large part of why it's over, but it's always been something much closer than my usual friendships.

I just noticed the fact that all of my relationships have been with girls from broken homes. It is mostly divorce, but in the last relationship it was a parent's death rather than divorce. It's a bit of that opposites attract thing because I think that I come from the exact opposite kind of home and I have a lot of affection to give. It makes me mesh better with people who seem to desire it more.

That's probably not something most would expect from me though. At least not before. I'm not a very sentimental person in general. Just relationships.


So hard to blog. I have so little time and even now I have 10 other things to do. Laundry, shower, work out, taxes, apply to jobs. By the way, don't drink "natural" beer if you ever have a chance. Actually, the word natural means nothing, but this is a special no barley beer. Which seems to mean it's not beer to me. Anywho, it's gluten free. And it says it's dairy and fish free, etc. A long list of things that are also not in other beer is on this bottle. And it's not so good. It tastes like cider really. Which is okay, but not what I'm after. Whip In has some great beer so I spent some money today.

Alright, gotta go. Just a random update. Life is good. Tons of parties. Lots of friends. This is the first time I've ever dated another attorney. Going very well so far.

Adjusting Expectations

I had a great 2008. I hung out with a lot of fun people and went to a ton of parties. Unfortunately I wasn't able to become friends with those people so other than the large parties, I don't know what's going on in their lives and we don't associate.

So now I feel gaps forming. I spent Saturday night at home reading. Not something I wanted to do, but everyone I know was busy with something they didn't invite me to. That's happening more and more often. I am very open and inviting. When I do things I invite almost everyone I know. It's a bit of effort, but it kept me social. It was how I got to spend time with people... because they don't invite me to their activities.

I'm giving up on that. I can think of 3 people that try to spend time with me. I have to change my expectations. It's hard to let go of thinking that I should be out being social when I know so clearly that the people I used to hang out with are having a game night, camping, a burger tasting, going downtown, celebrating a birthday, or whatever else I'm not invited to.

So I'm having a hard time lately. Being rejected as a friend by everyone I meet is harder than being rejected romantically. Work is harder than being at home because I'm surrounded by coworkers that don't like me and I can't escape. They don't do anything mean to me, they just avoid me.

I wish I knew what is so unattractive about me. I've been trying to figure that out for a long time, so in a couple years I imagine I'll just give up and spend my days alone reading and watching TV.

25 Things

Some kind of 25 random things posting is going around so here are some random "things" in my life: (didn't I try this a while ago?)


1. I don't believe in punishment or willpower.

2. I brush my teeth as often at work as at home (toothbrushes at both places).

3. I take a bite out of hamburger buns as I remove them from the bag.

4. Monday has become the party night of 2009. It's a combination of coincidence (MLK day and Bubble Wrap Appreciation day were on Mondays) and the fact that it's Robbie's Saturday (he's off Mondays and Tuesdays). Presidents Day is another Monday holiday coming up.

5. I wear a suit 3 times a week. I don't like wearing suits, but sadly I'm used to it now.

6. I have only renewed one lease in my life.

7. I tend to be a hyper, impatient person until I fall in love... but I do enjoy how much I get done when single.

8. If I don't have court in the morning, I'm probably not going to be at work on time.

9. I went to law school only because it fit my goals of remaining a student and staying in Austin.

10. Lactose intolerance is a side effect of veganism: see flatulence.

11. I'm buying a Mustang this year. Call it an early life crisis.

12. There are emotions that my body experiences though I don't know that I'm feeling them. Like nervousness. I am completely oblivious to my own nervousness, but I find that I sweat more and mummble during dates, interviews, or important appellate hearings.

13. I eat almost hourly from 10am to 4pm most work days. I eat more at work than home. I'm eating noodles at work while I type this.

14. I have no fashion sense, but I'm trying to learn.

15. I have a horrible memory.

16. I want to go climbing at Pedernales again.

17. I love road trips.

18. We have an automatic stapler at work that jams up all the time. You have to punch it to make it work. They were going to throw it out, but "Punchy" now lives on my desk.

19. I have bookmarked a song with rapping opera and kids talking about holidays at Walmart. It is excellently bad.

20. I did one of these lists on facebook, but it was longer and more introspective. This list better reflects the true meaning of the "25 things" people keep doing.

21. I have a hard time coming up with 25 of these.

22. When I finish this list I will read "War of the Flowers" by Tad Williams until my lunch break is up. I have also checked out "God Emperor of Dune" from the library.

23. Life is really great right now. While I've been happier before, I still think I will look back on this era as the most creative, social, and active lifestyle I've ever had. Thanks to all who take photographs at events. I should start saving those somewhere besides facebook.

24. I have almost mastered the ability to be just friends with women I am completely enchanted by. I have had a lot of practice lately. It's not so much a change in my actions, but in the expectations in my head.

25. What will I do on Sundays now that football is over?

Alcohol

I don't think that I drink too much. But sometimes others think I do. My usual things to look for in evaluating this are does it affect my health, is my job in jeopardy because of it, do I drive drunk or engage in risky/harmful behaviors, am I losing friends, etc. None of that is happening.


Still, I've been drunk 3 times already this year (once was New Year's). That is a lot to me. Granted, they were times that I wasn't driving home, but still. I'd rather not have those nights I don't remember. So maybe no more beer pong for me. No power hours with barley wine. It's not that bad, and I do want to keep enjoying my youth and freedom while I'm single and in my 20s, but I was way too drunk recently. Oh beer pong, how I will miss thee.


2 years at my job now. It feels bad because I know the only reason I'm here is that I can't get a better job. I've been looking. I shall keep looking. I think I'm settling in on the idea of a Mustang convertible. Now the question is whether to get new or used. The 2010 model has some improvements to it that make me want new. I could get a GT if I bought used. Hmm.