Only the sad and way too long things...
It's been a while since I blogged. I was finding a pattern of using the blog only for negative and sad things so it naturally went away when I was in a relationship or busy. Over time I heard complaints from people who said I was emo, gay, or just sad based on old posts and sharing of my feelings elsewhere.
I don't think those things are accurate. I never did. I think people just have a hard time being open and honest. They make so many assumptions about people. I've been on a diet lately and a coworker said that was ridiculous. It's a weird, judgmental thing to say. I think she assumed I felt bad about how I look or was sad about my weight. Neither of those is true, I just put on 10 pounds and prefer to be back to my previous size. I was about to have to buy new pants.
So I took the advice of others and quit talking about sad things. I started bottling up those feelings and life really was better. I don't think anyone would think I ever had sad thoughts after I started doing that. In fact, I'm not sure I have had such thoughts in the last 6 or 7 months. Bottling up might not be the right phrase.
But I have a hard time not screaming every thought/feeling that comes my way. And I'm definitely lonely right now. I was in a relationship for most of the year, but not ever having sex for most of a year seems like a serious problem so I ended it. She had issues with sex from the start so it seemed unlikely that some physical change was temporarily killing all sex drive for 7 months.
So I'm single again and I found out last week that rejection is harder to face than the ending of a relationship. Starting to fall for someone who decides they're not into me was tougher than ending the most-of-a-year relationship. Weird. And the feelings of loneliness are back.
I will share them here just to get them out, but I will attempt not to talk about it with friends or bring it up to anyone. That seemed to annoy people before. It can be tough because it's on my mind a lot.
I wonder why I get this way. I have a very full life. It's going great. I've accomplished so many things that I want to do. Basically everything except for fall in love with someone worthwhile. I don't think I have high standards, I just face a lot of rejection and lack of interest. I'm not sure why. I'm slightly attractive and have a lot going for me. Tons of friends, a decent job, I'm somewhat smart. I'm extremely tolerant, honest, and loyal.
I turn 30 soon, but that's not why these feelings are here. I recognize these feelings from being single before. There's no reason to feel this loneliness, but here it is again. I'm really not used to strong emotions. Last week, during/before the rejection I was feeling shy and nervous. Two more things I'm unused to. It was interesting. I wish I could use that word for lonely.
It's such an insignificant thing... being in a relationship. If I were I'd be okay watching Hulu or playing video games now. But I know that I could be out there dating or with someone who cared about me and I'm not. That makes me restless and unable to be okay doing those sedentary things.
Is it an issue if you have the feelings, but not the bad choices? I definitely think it's not. I have these feelings, but I still make all the right choices. I don't act desperate or cling to people when I have the chance. Likewise I don't stay in bad relationships. Yet for some reason I just have to hide the feelings. A weird thought.
UT is going to the national championship in football and the Cowboys are not going to the playoffs. I mean, the Cowboys might, but I'll go ahead and call it. I went to the game yesterday and saw them lose to SD on the world's largest TV. I move for New Year's. Bigger, cleaner house. Should be fun. I bought an S2000 this year. That's pretty cool. I wonder what I can do to learn to date in my 30s.
I don't think those things are accurate. I never did. I think people just have a hard time being open and honest. They make so many assumptions about people. I've been on a diet lately and a coworker said that was ridiculous. It's a weird, judgmental thing to say. I think she assumed I felt bad about how I look or was sad about my weight. Neither of those is true, I just put on 10 pounds and prefer to be back to my previous size. I was about to have to buy new pants.
So I took the advice of others and quit talking about sad things. I started bottling up those feelings and life really was better. I don't think anyone would think I ever had sad thoughts after I started doing that. In fact, I'm not sure I have had such thoughts in the last 6 or 7 months. Bottling up might not be the right phrase.
But I have a hard time not screaming every thought/feeling that comes my way. And I'm definitely lonely right now. I was in a relationship for most of the year, but not ever having sex for most of a year seems like a serious problem so I ended it. She had issues with sex from the start so it seemed unlikely that some physical change was temporarily killing all sex drive for 7 months.
So I'm single again and I found out last week that rejection is harder to face than the ending of a relationship. Starting to fall for someone who decides they're not into me was tougher than ending the most-of-a-year relationship. Weird. And the feelings of loneliness are back.
I will share them here just to get them out, but I will attempt not to talk about it with friends or bring it up to anyone. That seemed to annoy people before. It can be tough because it's on my mind a lot.
I wonder why I get this way. I have a very full life. It's going great. I've accomplished so many things that I want to do. Basically everything except for fall in love with someone worthwhile. I don't think I have high standards, I just face a lot of rejection and lack of interest. I'm not sure why. I'm slightly attractive and have a lot going for me. Tons of friends, a decent job, I'm somewhat smart. I'm extremely tolerant, honest, and loyal.
I turn 30 soon, but that's not why these feelings are here. I recognize these feelings from being single before. There's no reason to feel this loneliness, but here it is again. I'm really not used to strong emotions. Last week, during/before the rejection I was feeling shy and nervous. Two more things I'm unused to. It was interesting. I wish I could use that word for lonely.
It's such an insignificant thing... being in a relationship. If I were I'd be okay watching Hulu or playing video games now. But I know that I could be out there dating or with someone who cared about me and I'm not. That makes me restless and unable to be okay doing those sedentary things.
Is it an issue if you have the feelings, but not the bad choices? I definitely think it's not. I have these feelings, but I still make all the right choices. I don't act desperate or cling to people when I have the chance. Likewise I don't stay in bad relationships. Yet for some reason I just have to hide the feelings. A weird thought.
UT is going to the national championship in football and the Cowboys are not going to the playoffs. I mean, the Cowboys might, but I'll go ahead and call it. I went to the game yesterday and saw them lose to SD on the world's largest TV. I move for New Year's. Bigger, cleaner house. Should be fun. I bought an S2000 this year. That's pretty cool. I wonder what I can do to learn to date in my 30s.
posted by MarkJD at
8:11 PM
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