Dentist

So I went many many years without a dentist between being a kid on my parents insurance and getting this state job last year. In that time my teeth seemed okay. I didn't really have any problems.

I finally got dental insurance and saw a dentist last year. They said I have the beginnings of gum disease and that I'd need a deep cleaning. I said okay. They had poked me with their pointy stick in the gums and my gums were sore. So I paid like $500 out of my pocket (supposedly the insurance company paid most of it, but my experience with insurance companies and doctors as a personal injury attorney says that they aren't really paying that and chiropractors lie about pricing to get you to pay more).

My gums did feel healthier after the cleaning. I thought everything was good. I went back for a regular cleaning a few months later and my gums were healthy.


Then I move to Austin and get a new dentist, but I choose the same company down here. I go in and they say I need a deep cleaning for gum disease. Only this time I've been to the dentist recently and my gums are NOT sore or weak. They want another $500 for this deep cleaning. It hasn't even been a year. If I didn't go to a dentist at all I could probably go many years without problems again.


So anyone else have a similar experience? Does Castle dentist (it was Monarch in Dallas and I think it's called Brite or Bright in California) always try to get new patients to get this procedure though you don't need it? My gums were at like 3mm this time, not the 5 or 6mm some dentists say they need to see for the periodontal procedure. Should I change dentists or just try to get this one to only do regular cleanings and not these expensive procedures?

Plans

Just a random update so that I don't go too long without blogging.


On the downside my car may be having a problem. It has a weird engine noise. I'm trying to bus, bike, and share rides everywhere until I figure it out. Those are good things to do anyway. So far I think it may be a water pump leak, but I'll have to look at it more soon.

I interviewed for a possible new job today. Still at DPS, so not so different, but would be more interesting work. Hopefully that'll work out.


I missed out on Reggae Fest last weekend, but I'm going to Eeyore's BDay this Saturday! Hackysack WILL happen! And I need to meet more hippies.

Weekend

I am a ginger. A soulless ginger. Vampire Mark.


That's not me if you're wondering. I had left my sunscreen with Rick when we went tubing last weekend and I thought an hour or two in the pre-noon sun would be okay on me Saturday morning. Wrong!

So now I am a vampire that must avoid the sun to live. That means it's been a pretty low key weekend. Not as much exercise and running around as I wanted. I bought a cheap bicycle though. I fell asleep early Friday and Sunday missing out on some stuff. This caffeine thing is much tougher than expected.

Time to finish Lost Season 3. Ask me anything you want in comments. Or just write about something interesting. Whatever. I just like to have a more two way connection when blogging.

Sadness

A bad mood has overtaken me the last few days. I am almost always happy, but have been in quite a funk lately. Typically I'd just shrug it off, but I want to know why it happened. I disagree with what I'm doing though. Using a negative emotion as a motivation for action is wrong in my book.

I shouldn't stay sad to keep me in a mood that motivates me to fix the problem. That's a form of punishment and punishment only teaches to avoid being caught. In this case I could try to be happy and also solve the problem, so that is clearly the better option. There's something about sadness that reinforces itself though. When sad, something in me soothingly whispers not to try to be happy. "Stay sad" it murmurs gently.

I feel the urge to have self-pity, but mostly I have avoided that and just been quiet. My coworkers complained that I seemed sad and avoided me today.

Nothing in particular happened. I think the newness of all my great friends and things to do now that I live in Austin is wearing out at the same time that this complete inability to date is catching up to me. Then, with those two forces at work, I decide to quit caffeine this week.


I tend to be a very hyper person and I think the sugar and caffeine I normally consume so much of is part of that. That hyper mood is part of my happiness too, but my skin has been so dry lately that I decided the daily cups of coffee must go. That chemical change in my body was enough to accentuate the mental funk that was already brewing. At least that is my current theory.

The dilemma now is whether I must improve myself to find happiness or whether I must find a way around my "ego." I use ego in a very general term there. I mean that I would want to escape all connections to my body, material goods, comparisons with other people, and societal competition.

My current job makes me very aware of how little I fit in in normal society. That is, if I take coworkers to be representatives of normal, which I do. I am not able to become friends with them or make the connections I'd like plus I learn of ways that I'm very different daily. I try to focus on enjoying people and not being materialistic, but it seems like coworkers are all about complaining, insulting people, and shopping.

So I have to choose whether I get better at the mainstream game or I push myself further away. I don't know which would make me happier.

I checked out some books on dating. I really miss love. I have some awesome friends, but that connection that I had when in a relationship is different than anything I have with friends right now. I wish I could form that with everyone I meet, but right, based on what I call love, nobody in this world loves me. It's a sad thought and it's been true for most of a year now.

Some change will do me good. Maybe I'll get that interview for the other DPS job, but I've not heard from them lately and they have access to the complaint by coworkers so it may not happen. Worse case scenario seems like Flipside will be my next excuse to go crazy and be happy. Hell, it's a 3 day weekend, I should let loose right now.

But first some port and some reading...


There's something about blog writing that takes me out of myself. Separates me from my "ego" and let's me view this body and thought process as something separate that I don't have to get so tied into. Just writing seems to help with my sadness for that reason. I think that's why I loved my philosophy major...

Something more present day

Romance, I can't escape it. Love really. I'm not super romantic, but I am all about love. If I were more romantic love would be easier for me, but I'll work on it. Any tips for that? I should read some books.

Anyway, that's always on my mind. I'm quite happy in life right now. I have a lot of things to do each night and many great friends that keep me busy, but still I'd like to fall in love again. I'd like to at least know that I can.

This topic comes up because I have a bit of a crush again. I say again because it's my second since Andrea. It would be ideal to have crushes on people I'm dating so that things could progress, but I tend to aim above my reach I guess. So it's not a big deal, but I am torn about whether to discuss such things. Sometimes I identify with Ron Burgundy and want to scream my interest from the highest mountain. Other times I feel that revealing my interest can only cause harm and make things awkward. If I had to guess I'd think I'm more on the timid side and screaming my interest would be an improvement.

In case you didn't pick up on the "above my reach" comment, it's a one-sided interest. Still, finding two worthwhile people to be interested in within a half year is good news. Even that 0 for 2 without even a date rate could turn out well for me after a couple years. I often have to convince myself that I don't need to date constantly like others seem to on TV and like most dating advice implies should be happening. I myself am convinced that it's a numbers game, but still I am so cautious.

I could talk forever about dating, but I don't mean to. It's not really a part of my life. It's something I bring up in blogs BECAUSE it's not part of my life. I have a lot of fun activities and great friends that fill my time. I just constantly seek the things that will improve my lot the most. I always want to solve problems. Learning to date is my ongoing problem.

This is that stuff I wrote before that seems emotional or whiny. I should keep it in my head and seek my own solution, but I can't keep my thoughts from pouring out. I always want to share my thoughts.


Other topics then... volleyball was fun tonight. This was the first game of sand volleyball in a league I joined. I suck, but I like my team. They seem fun. We lost badly, but we played well. I have no complaints. I don't know what else to talk about now. I'd mention some job stuff, but that was the point of deleting my old blog. To keep such things from being public knowledge. Man keeping secrets bugs me. Open honesty is what keeps people from doing bad things. I know it works on me. I have no secrets. If I'm doing bad things in life, it's because I don't know that they're bad. It's not because I know it and keep them secret.

I'm rambling now, so I'll stop. Any books to suggest on how to attract more interest and get more dates? On how to be more attractive in general so that one of these crushes I get one day will like me back? My Chemical Romance is playing while I type this, heh.

My Writing Style

I do not have much background in writing. I never paid much attention in English or cared about my particular "style" since I tend not to have the patience to create art. But here I am, writing, so I shall attempt to notice and improve my style as I put my words to paper/blog. If nothing else this will teach me patience.

Stylistically I enjoy Chuck Palahniuk's writing a great deal. He is a minimalist who attempts to list facts in a concise way instead of spilling pages of description out. Surprisingly, the other books I read tend to be fantasy novels that are incredibly long with enormous amounts of description and philosophy interjected into the plot. I will attempt a more minimalist style in my writing.

On a more substantive note I feel I should point out that my blogs may not match my public perception. I have been told that I'm rather emotional in blogs and those that know me well are either surprised or find it whiny. I tend to be happy and unflappable in person.

I am not sure why I am more expressive online, but in person I often tread with great caution around other people. I am very open and honest, but other people seem to find many ideas offensive when shared openly. You can't just walk up to someone and advise them as to how to improve their lives even when you could easily help. This is an odd concept to me, because I'd welcome anyone, even strangers, walking up to me and giving me advise. If someone gave me fashion tips I'd be thankful because I am aware of my fashion ignorance. If someone pointed out flaws that I was not aware of I would be glad to learn of that problem so that I could start to improve that aspect of my life.


I imagine that I have a million areas of my life that can be improved and I don't believe that that those problems make me a bad person. Most people seem to think they're almost perfect, so any advise on improvements implies that they are bad people or that they are disliked. In order to avoid offending people I try not to get into such topics with them. Try is the key word there, because my natural instinct is to constantly be trying to improve things (not just my own life but to kindly offer tips to others because I wish they would do that to me).

And there's an additional problem with that. I'm very blunt. I'm working on it. With enough explanation and kind words surrounding advise people can become receptive. Anyway, in the end my goal is not to offend people. I don't care if they take my advise, I just have an instinct to offer it because I want more tips on how to improve my life. People are VERY hesitant to just look at someone and say "you wear pants that are too big" or "you need to say hi more often and use some deodorant" etc.

So, in that vein, never hesitate to criticize, advise, or edumacate me on any ideas that pop into your head about me. Whether positive or negative I'd love to gain more perspective on myself.

Introduction

Hi, I'm Mark.

I don't know quite how to introduce myself because I lack your perspective, so I'll largely avoid the important things like adjectives about how I'm "open" and "honest" since those don't mean much without knowing what they're relative to. I'll stick to facts for now. Feel free to ask anything you wish.

I was born in Houston, TX in 1980. My parents are older than all of my friends' parents and I have a brother who is 10 years older than me. I hear that makes me like an only child. We were a middle class family. I say were because I haven't lived with family since high school so I don't have that lifestyle anymore.

Politically, my parents are probably moderates, but they live a very secure and mundane existence. Lots of worry and overprotection. Lots of nice stuff and sedate activities. Still, they weren't strict on me. I was almost never punished and I was a good child as far as I remember.

In elementary school I was rather good at most things compared to others. I got a big head and it caused some problems. At some point I realized subconsciously that I was very arrogant and I became self-loathing to fix it. I spent middle school going from self-loathing to apathetic. It was not great times. I played a lot of soccer and Nintendo and read a lot of fantasy novels.

In high school I fell in love and all that negativity was gone for life. My senior year of high school was possibly the best year of my life. When college began I screwed that up. I think I was afraid of commitment. Again, this was subconscious, else I'd not have started fights until I was dumped.


I just went to college because it was expected. Because it sounded fun. My freshman year at UT Ricky Williams won the Heisman. I started a psych major, but changed to economics. Later I began to dislike capitalism the more I understood about the abuses of power that occurred not only among large corporations, but among the government organizations aiding them (like the WTO). The movie Fight Club really summarized those feelings well and after seeing it for the second time in the spring of '01 I dropped my economics major and became a philosophy major.

Philosophy was very fitting. I loved it. I hadn't even had a date other than that first girlfriend even through college so I had plenty of free time to think. I used that time to become vegan in 2000, to join Amnesty International for a while, to march in protests against the IMF, for the Zapatistas, and for a moratorium on the death penalty.

Then I fell in love again. I knew better with this person, but I'd not even had a date in years. When I met her I didn't think she could be trusted in a relationship and I turned out to be right, but it was good times. In every other way she was exactly what I like. Pretty hippie with a close family and many values that I wished to adopt. We were together a few years and I became a much more outgoing and laid back person because of it.

Nearing college graduation I had no idea what I wanted to do. I was told that a PhD in philosophy was pretty useless and that there are no jobs. I thought about teaching, but didn't want to stay in school an extra year or two. So I went to law school. It was basically a way to stay in Austin and at UT. It worked out. I was in a relationship and didn't want anything to change so I remained at UT.

The relationship finally ended near the end of law school. Again, as I neared the end of law school I had no real goal. I like to keep myself open to potential. I guess that's another way of saying I recognize the loss that comes with commitment very strongly. I'm not scared of commitment really, I am just VERY cognizant of how important it is to pick correctly. That's probably why I'm still single. So I hadn't picked a particular type of law or career path to follow. I had a generic feel for trial work because I knew I didn't want an office job.


My final year at UT Vince won his first Rose Bowl (not the national title one, that was a year later). I finished law school, took the bar, and finally started dating that summer. I had never really dated. I was 25 and was just finishing up 20 years of public school. I'd been a full time student my whole life. I'd had two friendships turn into loving relationships, but knew little of the world. I still didn't own a bed or a tv. I had always had roommates or girlfriends with things. I'd lived on campus for most of undergrad. I was even an RA one year. Anyway, that time after law school before finding work was amazing. Despite not having money (or even a car after mine broke down and I got a bus pass) I was able to have a large network of friends and participate in much partying and debauchery. I want to thank The League for taking me into their ranks. I had a great group of friends that made a tough time in life wonderful.

Finding a job was difficult. I applied to just over 100 places over the span of a year. I finally found work the fall after graduation, but I had to move to Dallas. I was a personal injury lawyer. The small firm was dramatic. The turnover at many positions was high. I don't think I'll stick around in such a job again if I ever get one again. After a year, the secretary who's always trying to get everyone fired had said enough to the boss to get him to phase me out as well.

I fell in love for a third time in Dallas. It's amazing how comfortable and good a relationship can be even when it's with a completely wrong person. After that first job I wanted the opposite kind of work. I also wanted to get back to Austin one day. I did not like Dallas. So I looked for government work and found it with DPS. I am basically a civil DWI prosecutor. The job doesn't pay much, but I get benefits, training, and security. Things I didn't have at the old job.

When I ended the relationship I began looking for a transfer to Austin. New Year 2008 I moved back and currently work for DPS. I have that amazing group of friends still here for the most part and Austin has all the laid back qualities I've been trying to adopt for years. I love this town and I've been very happy lately.

I don't know what's next for me, but I'll try to keep improving and loving life. I hope to make even more friends and to be closer to the ones I have. I hope to get back into dating, find love, or at least lust, and enjoy the ups and downs life throws at me. For now I'll just enjoy my fun coworkers, poker nights, volleyball games, and Rick's dinners.


Any thoughts? I hope I didn't ramble too long, but I'd love to hear everyone else's life story.

Out With The Old

I'm deleting all the old blogs. It's a new start from here on out.

There are a ton of big events that I may never remember again that are being deleted forever. It's not that I'm that sad about it, but it is a sad idea. I don't spend time rereading old thoughts anyway so I'm not really losing anything, but as I delete them I regret that I don't maintain those memories. Until I am reminded of those events, I completely forget about them. So here are a few big events over the past few years:

Andrea
First job drama in Dallas
UT Rose Bowls
Skydiving
Whirlyball
Vegas
Passing the Bar!
Poker
Bar Exam coma
Holiday Bowl
The League
Elissa's crazy parties (New Year's '06)
Kathy's wedding
The Elissa breakup that began this whole thing

And a lot of talk about being alone and how people ought to be more social or caring about each other. But I think that's why I'm starting over. I did a lot of growing up and self-exploration, but I was disappointed overall with how it was received by others. I shall work on that problem. I'll try to figure out how to talk about issues in my life without sounding whiny or arrogant.

Life is very good for me lately. Rereading some of this stuff gives me the perspective to realize that I've grown and improved in many ways. Many of my biggest problems sound like they were worse a couple years ago. I'll try to stay more positive from now on. I don't want to have an upbeat blog, but I can make others think and share what inspires me without complaining I guess.

In part I am also starting over because being so open has gotten me into trouble with two jobs now. I am not yet certain how to reconcile that. I don't want to be less open, but there seem to be plenty of people out there who seek any opportunity to harm others. I still trust and care for people, but my livelihood is important to me. I have been unemployed and poor a couple times now and it is not fun. Any suggestions on that topic?

As always, all thoughts are greatly appreciated. I hate the idea of keeping a journal, but I blog so that I may receive other people's perspectives on my thoughts. I blog to reach out to and connect with other people. So feel free to share your ideas in the comments.

Wow, that was a lot of blogs to delete. Law school is just a blur in my mind...