Sadness

A bad mood has overtaken me the last few days. I am almost always happy, but have been in quite a funk lately. Typically I'd just shrug it off, but I want to know why it happened. I disagree with what I'm doing though. Using a negative emotion as a motivation for action is wrong in my book.

I shouldn't stay sad to keep me in a mood that motivates me to fix the problem. That's a form of punishment and punishment only teaches to avoid being caught. In this case I could try to be happy and also solve the problem, so that is clearly the better option. There's something about sadness that reinforces itself though. When sad, something in me soothingly whispers not to try to be happy. "Stay sad" it murmurs gently.

I feel the urge to have self-pity, but mostly I have avoided that and just been quiet. My coworkers complained that I seemed sad and avoided me today.

Nothing in particular happened. I think the newness of all my great friends and things to do now that I live in Austin is wearing out at the same time that this complete inability to date is catching up to me. Then, with those two forces at work, I decide to quit caffeine this week.


I tend to be a very hyper person and I think the sugar and caffeine I normally consume so much of is part of that. That hyper mood is part of my happiness too, but my skin has been so dry lately that I decided the daily cups of coffee must go. That chemical change in my body was enough to accentuate the mental funk that was already brewing. At least that is my current theory.

The dilemma now is whether I must improve myself to find happiness or whether I must find a way around my "ego." I use ego in a very general term there. I mean that I would want to escape all connections to my body, material goods, comparisons with other people, and societal competition.

My current job makes me very aware of how little I fit in in normal society. That is, if I take coworkers to be representatives of normal, which I do. I am not able to become friends with them or make the connections I'd like plus I learn of ways that I'm very different daily. I try to focus on enjoying people and not being materialistic, but it seems like coworkers are all about complaining, insulting people, and shopping.

So I have to choose whether I get better at the mainstream game or I push myself further away. I don't know which would make me happier.

I checked out some books on dating. I really miss love. I have some awesome friends, but that connection that I had when in a relationship is different than anything I have with friends right now. I wish I could form that with everyone I meet, but right, based on what I call love, nobody in this world loves me. It's a sad thought and it's been true for most of a year now.

Some change will do me good. Maybe I'll get that interview for the other DPS job, but I've not heard from them lately and they have access to the complaint by coworkers so it may not happen. Worse case scenario seems like Flipside will be my next excuse to go crazy and be happy. Hell, it's a 3 day weekend, I should let loose right now.

But first some port and some reading...


There's something about blog writing that takes me out of myself. Separates me from my "ego" and let's me view this body and thought process as something separate that I don't have to get so tied into. Just writing seems to help with my sadness for that reason. I think that's why I loved my philosophy major...