I am Jack's inflamed sense of rejection

On the tact blog... I am just noticing the problem, but it's what I've noticed before. I don't know how to change it. I don't have much hope that it'll happen. I will basically learn to speak less and lower my expectations so that I'm happy reading more and don't really expect people to wish to get to know me.


It really was a great weekend. The housewarming party was a much bigger hit than I expected. We had over 30 people show up. Tons of beer drunk, injuries, broken things, drunk people, puke, beer pong, freeze tag, sumo wrestling, people passed out on couches and beds, etc. All the good stuff. Can't wait to repeat for Robbie's BDay next month.

Then Sunday I hung with some awesome people again. I had a great weekend, but I come back to work and that general sense of rejection descends upon me again like a cloud. I can't help feeling that I'm failing at all aspects of life because I'm inable to make friends like I want.


I think the inability to date is the largest part of that. I mean, I'd love to have close friends to fall back on but I get the sense that everything I do I'm an afterthought. The exception to that is probably the roommates. I have the coolest roommates I've ever had. I don't see Robbie that much because of his schedule, but Jimbo and Stavana are awesome.


Anywho, I'm rambling because I can't give myself the patience at work to think fully. I'm too busy here. This is my lunch break. One thing I noticed at the party is that I definitely have a mostly male, horny group of friends. I am both happy and very sad to count myself outside that category, but the women at the party were all hit on constantly. I can imagine that getting old. Still, I'd trade my situation for that. It's coming up on one year of being single. I've been on two dates that didn't work out and not even had a kiss in this last year. It has been a miserable failure and it's wearing on me. I sense that whatever it is that's so unattractive about me influences my work and personal life as well. It is depressing.

Tactless Mark

I have no tact. It's taken a long time to realize this. I think it's the summary of what everyone has described about me that is so offensive. The problem is that I don't recognize when I am being tactless. Still, I really think this is the problem. It makes sense. There's something about me that offends other people without me knowing it. Tactless.


So, knowing this I shall focus on fixing this over the next few months. Mostly, I shall attempt to talk less and listen more, but I'll also attempt to be more considerate when I do talk. I worry that this will make me even more introverted, but it's not like being extroverted made me friends anyway. Something has to change.

Party

It has been a while now. Years. But I shall host a party. I have the feeling that it will not go well. Living on my own I could not bring enough people together. Also, I was new to Austin and my place was too small. But I'm single, settled into a city, and have roommates in a big house now. It is party time. The first of many I hope.

I shall spend tonight and tomorrow morning cleaning. Then it's fantasy football draft, party all night, draft Sunday. I'm in 3 leagues and two draft this weekend. I have many cases of beer to buy. A keg seems optimistic, and I'd still buy one, but one event we'll be doing involves balancing on a beer can. So we'll need many beer cans. Cases of beer it is. Lone Star is the National beer of Texas.

I'll let you know how it goes in a few days when I recover. I'll try to have great pictures as always, but maybe I'll even include some of me and friends doing crazy things.

Memories

It has been a busy week. I wish I could have written this while I was on the road in the midst of these feelings. I was pumped up. It was "drunk dial" time even though I hadn't been drinking. Often, when in a great mood, I feel the need to share those feelings. To get them out. I guess even bad emotions are the same. Emotions beg for release. So I called lots of people on my way home from Houston. As I often do after a great night out drinking. The "drunk dial" for me has always been trying to let out the high energy happy or bad feelings. Usually in a very funny way.


So, the story begins with the fact that I was listening to "On The Road" by Jack Kerouac on an audio cd. Amazing book. I love the idea of travel in general because of the perspective it can give me on life. Much like the movie Fight Club it shows me that I'm often, like most people, lost in some details like clothing, cleanliness, or jobs while I ignore all the big picture stuff like health, life, and happiness. Traveling lets you compare yourself to the world instead of your coworkers and others just like you. Suddenly you don't want the best car in the office, instead you're just amazed that you own a car at all. It is a great feeling.

That book inspires that feeling in me. Not just that, but I LOVE the character of Dean Moriarty. He loves all of life. Lives it to the fullest. High energy and he digs everyone and everything. Instead of thinking rednecks are ignorant hicks he loves people of all types and is completely fascinated by their differences. It is how I want to view life. Constantly in awe of everyone and everything. As happy as a kid in a candy shop.


So with that in mind I went to my high school reunion Friday night. It was awesome. Everyone was amazingly nice and memories came flooding back. It was hysterical that there was an after party at someone's parents' house while the parents were out of town. AND we ran out of beer there, hah. So much fun. We stayed out past 5am. Then Saturday I had a great lunch with a friend and headed back to Austin with this amazing high from all the energy. I love being around people and experiencing new things. I got home, went to Rick's final party before he moved out of his old place (which was a blast except that Rick was being a downer so I left).


Then Sunday I moved all day. TONS of work in the incredible heat. But it all paid off. I'm now living in a house with roommates and it's been great. I hope to finish unpacking one day. USA played a great basketball game this morning. Olympics have begun. That's it that's new with me. Times are good.

Flying High

I don't have time for details right now. Or rather, I'm choosing to do other things like unpack instead. But I wanted to say that it's been an incredible weekend. I'm pumped about living here. I was pumped to get to do a short road trip and have an awesome high school reunion. And I'm pumped at the possibility of a new job!


New place to live with great people around is enough, but the other stuff made the weekend awesome. Details later.