More Work Shit

So I threw my pen at the wall at court today. A fiery coworker said I was acting more like her and angry for once. I think I was just throwing a pen like I always do. But the memory came up just now. I'm home and considered breaking a pen I have sitting here in front of me out of anger. Then I said "this is kind of a neat pen" and grabbed a coathanger. I was laughing at myself for bending a weak-ass coathanger, but I even stopped THAT when the paint was peeling off. I stopped the expression of my anger to avoid getting paint chips on my carpet.


Never before have I felt more like Jack with a gun barrel in his mouth wondering how clean the gun is.


I have tried for years to be laid back. To learn to be tolerant and liberal. To get past my parents and family's conservative issues. But all I've done is learn to accept others. I have not learned to make myself more open and expressive. I don't let myself go. Yet I try so hard. I just want to know how...