Analyze This

I wonder how much most people know themselves. I don't feel that I have any clue how most people perceive me. I wouldn't be surprised if I were some extremely ugly dork or if I was some kind of unapproachable bad-ass.

People always talk about self-esteem like my thoughts on how others perceive me means I'm either arrogant or depressed. Other people's perceptions of me don't change what I think of me. That's how they think. And me... why would I have a perception of myself? What would I even base it on? What do I care whether I like how I look or how I behave? I have no care at all whether I'm attractive to myself. I care greatly about whether I attract others. To most people this seems like low self-esteem but in reality it just means that I am goal oriented.

I think thoughts of compromising myself don't occur to me because the few beliefs I hold and care about are strong convictions. Things like being vegan, being open and honest, being kind, are all things I have no intention of changing. But beyond core philosophies I don't care about how I express myself.

If I don't care at all about a topic, but other people do, then I should attempt to satisfy others if it meets my goals. For instance, I don't care how I look. I rarely ever have to look at myself. But I do care about romantic love, sex, attraction, dates. Probably in that order. Looks aren't the only thing I have no interest in. Fashion, ways of behaving, activities...


This means I'm extremely adaptable. I am willing to be whatever it takes to please others often. Not because I need to please other people and sacrifice "who I am" for that. Rather, I have little self-identity and my goal is to be surrounded by good people. Working towards that goal means becoming whatever kind of person attracts the people I like most. I don't care what kind of person that is. I have no desire to be any particular thing. I just desire to be surrounded by people I admire and enjoy.

So... when I actually like someone, it hurts to not be liked back. This is not a romantic thing, but even just as friends. That is because it means I failed. Not that I am a bad person because one person doesn't like me, but rather than my whole goal of being likable to the people I like most isn't working. That is very bad in the big picture. I want badly to perfect this ability to befriend the people I find worthwhile.


This blog feels like it's rambling. I keep forgetting where I'm going with all this. So I'd like to know what I'm like. Who I am. How you perceive me. But I'm a skeptic. When people describe me I'm always discounting what they say. I mean, most of society tries to be nice. Daily I see people lie and say someone's hair looks nice or that they're feeling fine when they're not. I assume all compliments of me are fake and give them almost no weight. Even insults are often derived just to hurt someone or are at least not the whole truth.

It's hard to know where I really stand. I tend to judge people by their actions instead of words. By whether a person wants to spend time with me and make me a priority in their life. By that standard I don't think I'm doing well. I make a lot of effort to be out doing things. I participate in many events and have met a TON of people since coming to Austin. I haven't made many friends. I fill my life with strangers who don't want to get to know me better. I have some great friends, but things certainly haven't met my expectations lately. Maybe most people don't seek to have deep relationships where they open up and share their lives. It could be that I'm just expecting something most people don't want to do.


I think this is one reason I'm so focused on dating. My romantic relationships have been very deep emotional connections with other people. I have been best friends with all of my girlfriends. I haven't been close to anyone in about a year now. I miss that feeling.