Challenges

I often yearn for challenges. I saw Iron Man today. I read some fantasy novels lately too. They're fantastic stories about one person being heroic and having so much power in this world. But in real life we neither face challenges so big (else society would be chaotic and people would die regularly), nor do we ever acquire so much power. The guy that "invents" an iron flying suit will be a guy that sits in a lab for 20 years working on some tiny part. He won't be a rich playboy who does it overnight in a cave. Still, that guy in a lab is the hero. The real one.


"People had been working for so many years to make the world a safe, organized place. Nobody realized how boring it would become. With the whole world property-lined and speed-limited and zoned and taxed and regulated, with everyone tested and registered and addressed and recorded. Nobody had left much room for adventure, except maybe the kind you could buy. On a roller coaster. At a movie. Still, it would always be that kind of faux excitement. You know the dinosaurs aren't going to eat the kids. The test audiences have outvoted any chance of even a major faux disaster. And because there's no possibility of real disaster, real risk, we're left with no chance for real salvation. Real elation. Real excitement. Joy. Discovery. Invention. The laws that keep us safe, these same laws condemn us to boredom. Without access to true chaos, we'll never have true peace. Unless everything can get worse, it won't get any better." - Choke, Palahniuk (of course, who else do I quote daily?)

I'm not sure how these ideas about challenges relate to the other point I want to make in this blog. I think they related before in my head, but that was days ago and I'm convinced that I only have long-term memory. I can't even recall what I was doing 5 minutes ago without effort and sometimes not even then.


Oh yes, I recall now. Most of the day I'm bored. I don't pay attention to things or try to do them well. Once in a while I see a challenge and I focus. Like when playing games. I like to have problems to solve. Because the rest of life is easy and bores me. So I decided that my inability to find a gorgeous perfect woman at will to fall in love with was a problem to solve. And yes, I set my standards that high. Why not? I have always been good at problem solving and can't remember not getting what I want before. If someone else can do it I can too.

So that's been a topic I hashed out way too much on this blog and in general for the last year. I wanted lots of perspective on it from others, but most people don't seem to think about or have many ideas on the topic. At least not in the depth that I wanted. My intense focus and my comparisons to some mythical playboy from the movies made many people think I was depressed or at least that I was down on myself.


In that tiny perspective I guess I was, but I don't live in that small window of me vs. playboy. I am aware that I was only focusing in on one aspect with high expectations in order to solve the challenge. But sometimes you just see a need for change and not an ending. Some people just start identifying as someone who should lose weight and never think "I made it." Those people are anorexic. Well, it's harder to see the endgame on my goal.

Actually, this isn't about dating so much. The goal I began 15 years ago was to become an emotional, more well-adjusted, loving person. I was an apathetic robot in middle school. It is only this year that I realized that I've accomplished that goal. In fact, I went a bit too far. I was practically emo! Hah. I was not an emotional wreck inside, but I think I portrayed myself a bit that way.


And it worked. I have a lot more friends and things to do and a much larger social life than I ever have before. So, this one realization... that I did it... it changed a lot. One tiny switch in my brain turned off all the (faux) drama and emotions. I can stop trying to appear unrobotic. I think I made the change.

We'll see. Certainly the lack of blogging is a sign. I've also done better dating lately, though I've not followed up on any of the interest well enough. But dating reminds me of an old Local H line. "Set a place for me at the table and I won't be hungry anymore." Sometimes I just have to know that I CAN do something to feel okay. I don't have to go to the party, but I have to be invited.

Veterans Day

I have a day off! I went to work for a couple hours anyway, but waking up late and not dressing up is wonderful. I have spent most of the day sitting around playing word twist on facebook, but it's been very nice. There's good weather outside and the chickens gathered to listen to my music when I opened the windows.


Yes, you read that right. The chickens. We have two in the backyard and the neighbors 4 chickens, turkey, and their squirrel friend were all hanging out with me as I was in and out of the backyard lifting weights earlier. Stavana's chickens are Mother Egan and Big Sexy.


Now I'm going to read some and head to trivia night at the Flying Saucer. Oh yes, but I should put something of substance in here... hmm. I keep wondering if maybe my expectations are out of whack. That most people just don't want or seek to be emotionally close to others. I started thinking everyone had those close relationships and I'm being left out, but maybe people just have shallower relationships than I expected. My last relationship was with someone very clingy. We lived together and didn't have much time apart. Maybe my expectations need to come down from that and realize that most people aren't clingy.

I'll ponder this further.

My Only Current Love: Music

In high school I couldn't do anything twice. Even my favorite songs and CDs got old fast as I sought new experiences and bigger and better things. Now, more than 10 years later, I seem to become obsessed with one song at a time. I like to break down the meanings of deep songs and listen to them for days at a time. Here are the last few I've been absorbed in:

So I am at work, behind with a huge workload as always, but filling myself with the usual coffee and candy to keep going full speed. My coworkers left or moved to other offices so I switched computers to a newer/faster one and listen to music all day. That is the great part about not sharing an office anymore.

The Arcade Fire bought a church and recorded their latest album, Neon Bible, in that church. Pretty cool. That's why their lyrics are at once very spiritual, but also very against organized religion. I think "Neon Bible" the song actually refers more to modern commercialism as a bible instead of anything religious.


The Andrew Bird song is an anti-war song. A favorite of my vegan friend Tiffany. Okay, back to work I go. I hope you enjoy. I'll try to update this more often and check other people's blogs, but it's been busy with all the holidays lately. Halloween, Election Day, 5th of November (I watched V for Vendetta as always).