Adjusting Expectations

I had a great 2008. I hung out with a lot of fun people and went to a ton of parties. Unfortunately I wasn't able to become friends with those people so other than the large parties, I don't know what's going on in their lives and we don't associate.

So now I feel gaps forming. I spent Saturday night at home reading. Not something I wanted to do, but everyone I know was busy with something they didn't invite me to. That's happening more and more often. I am very open and inviting. When I do things I invite almost everyone I know. It's a bit of effort, but it kept me social. It was how I got to spend time with people... because they don't invite me to their activities.

I'm giving up on that. I can think of 3 people that try to spend time with me. I have to change my expectations. It's hard to let go of thinking that I should be out being social when I know so clearly that the people I used to hang out with are having a game night, camping, a burger tasting, going downtown, celebrating a birthday, or whatever else I'm not invited to.

So I'm having a hard time lately. Being rejected as a friend by everyone I meet is harder than being rejected romantically. Work is harder than being at home because I'm surrounded by coworkers that don't like me and I can't escape. They don't do anything mean to me, they just avoid me.

I wish I knew what is so unattractive about me. I've been trying to figure that out for a long time, so in a couple years I imagine I'll just give up and spend my days alone reading and watching TV.

25 Things

Some kind of 25 random things posting is going around so here are some random "things" in my life: (didn't I try this a while ago?)


1. I don't believe in punishment or willpower.

2. I brush my teeth as often at work as at home (toothbrushes at both places).

3. I take a bite out of hamburger buns as I remove them from the bag.

4. Monday has become the party night of 2009. It's a combination of coincidence (MLK day and Bubble Wrap Appreciation day were on Mondays) and the fact that it's Robbie's Saturday (he's off Mondays and Tuesdays). Presidents Day is another Monday holiday coming up.

5. I wear a suit 3 times a week. I don't like wearing suits, but sadly I'm used to it now.

6. I have only renewed one lease in my life.

7. I tend to be a hyper, impatient person until I fall in love... but I do enjoy how much I get done when single.

8. If I don't have court in the morning, I'm probably not going to be at work on time.

9. I went to law school only because it fit my goals of remaining a student and staying in Austin.

10. Lactose intolerance is a side effect of veganism: see flatulence.

11. I'm buying a Mustang this year. Call it an early life crisis.

12. There are emotions that my body experiences though I don't know that I'm feeling them. Like nervousness. I am completely oblivious to my own nervousness, but I find that I sweat more and mummble during dates, interviews, or important appellate hearings.

13. I eat almost hourly from 10am to 4pm most work days. I eat more at work than home. I'm eating noodles at work while I type this.

14. I have no fashion sense, but I'm trying to learn.

15. I have a horrible memory.

16. I want to go climbing at Pedernales again.

17. I love road trips.

18. We have an automatic stapler at work that jams up all the time. You have to punch it to make it work. They were going to throw it out, but "Punchy" now lives on my desk.

19. I have bookmarked a song with rapping opera and kids talking about holidays at Walmart. It is excellently bad.

20. I did one of these lists on facebook, but it was longer and more introspective. This list better reflects the true meaning of the "25 things" people keep doing.

21. I have a hard time coming up with 25 of these.

22. When I finish this list I will read "War of the Flowers" by Tad Williams until my lunch break is up. I have also checked out "God Emperor of Dune" from the library.

23. Life is really great right now. While I've been happier before, I still think I will look back on this era as the most creative, social, and active lifestyle I've ever had. Thanks to all who take photographs at events. I should start saving those somewhere besides facebook.

24. I have almost mastered the ability to be just friends with women I am completely enchanted by. I have had a lot of practice lately. It's not so much a change in my actions, but in the expectations in my head.

25. What will I do on Sundays now that football is over?